Boris Speaks: How Ribakoff Charles Ruined My Life

By Boris

Note from Charles: There is probably something in this story to offend practically everybody. This should not put you off buying a new Toyota, Dodge, Chrysler or Jeep from the Harr team. It was, after all, written by a hat.

Charles write post about me, Boris, the Official Hat of Winter. Sometimes, Charles speak with forked tongue. Boris write this to set record straight.

Is hard life being hat in Ukraine.

Like job of Quixote Don is to reach unreachable star, is job of Ukrainian hat to heat unheatable head. Is just harder to set to music.

Is even harder life being mink in Ukraine. Mink sleep outside on snow, eat food unfit for dog, grow up, and then farmer put you in dog food business. On supply side. What’s left becomes hat, or coat of grandmother. Not exactly growth industry for minks. There little concern about stability of social security trust fund for retirement of minks in Ukraine.

On other hand, being unemployed mink hat in Ukraine not so bad. Everybody else unemployed, too, so little risk of being put to work as hat. Like lucky old sun, got nothing to do but hang around the hat rack all day.

I, Boris Hat (or, as we say in Ukraine, Hat Boris,) is owned by Boris Hatseller, or as we say in Ukraine, Hatseller Boris. Hatseller Boris name self after me. This no Pinocchio / Geppetto deal. I Hat Boris, he Hatseller Boris, but no capitalist pig Disney Walt come along to make us famous like he did stealing 1883 story of pervert woodcarver. Hatseller Boris no make Hat Boris in own image. After all, Hatseller Boris have 3 teeth, 7 hairs, bad breath and hasn’t had bath since hot water shortage during Great Patriotic War. I, Boris, am high rolling mink hat.

Hatseller Boris, like everybody else in Ukraine, inform to KGB. KGB figure anybody who can afford mink hat must be rich. Anybody who be rich must be thief. Anybody who thief must be punished. In America, this is called democrat tax policy. In Ukraine, is way of life. Old Ukrainian proverb: this is same monkey in different dress.

Boris wonder why cold war necessary with great existing cultural similarities, although Cold War good for hat business, keeping cold heads warm (Boris make bad joke).

Hatseller Boris job is to make sure no comrade buy hat from any other hatseller because everybody know Boris inform. Every other hatseller make sure no comrade buy hat from Hatseller Boris for same reason. Is, as we say, Ukrainian standoff. Nobody buy nothing. Is ok: nobody can afford nothing. Anybody who have anything afraid to show it or he won’t have it any more.

So Boris and Boris have easy life: hang around all day. Nobody buy Boris, nobody sell Boris. Boris and Boris make sure nobody else buy or sell anything either. They say this is like life in America in 2009.

Is bad economic model. But Boris think it no worse than, say, economic model of Obama Barrack where is said everybody get free hat, except those who already have hats. They have hat taken away.

Is old Ukrainian proverb that if farmer own healthy chicken and also own sick chicken, he no kill healthy chicken to make chicken soup for sick chicken.
Boris has no idea what this proverb has to do with either this story or economic theory. He just like proverb.

So, one day in Dnepropretrovsk, is day in market like every other day. Boris make sure Hatseller Igor no make sale (except for bootleg Madonna videos that Hatseller Boris like to go off an watch by himself). Igor make sure Boris sell nothing. Is fine day in Ukraine.

Along come great commotion. Comrade Ignatz the guide and translator who speaks 7 languages, none of them well, is chasing American spy through market. Ignatz, of course, is KGB, too. American must be spy. Who else come to Ukraine in November?

American spy say he want hat. Boris is not impressed; Boris wants new Bentley. Everybody in Ukraine want something; that be life in Ukraine.

Ignatz is afraid if American spy buy hat, somebody else might buy something, too. Ignatz fears chain reaction (is good thing to fear in city where nuclear bombs were made): One American spy can screw up whole country. This not good for career of Ignatz, who no want to retire on ice flow.

Poor Ignatz the spy has tit caught in wringer (this is American phrase every Ukrainian school child learns as quote of famous President Nixon Richard talking about famous American newspaper publisher). Ignatz is supposed to be official host (and make sure American spy does not steal secret Ukraine potato growing secrets). But whole country is at risk.

American spy is very good. He acts like he just wants to buy hat. Boris has never seen someone act like he wants to buy hat before. Boris, Boris and Ignatz all confused. We believe American spy really want hot Madonna tapes, but can’t understand diversion of hat. He even claim Ukrainian cover name Ribakoff Charles. Ribakoff in Ukraine mean ‘fisherman;’ is as bad alias as Doe John, but at least he no claim to be distant relative of Czarina. No one believe that.

American spy Ribakoff Charles pulls out roll of American monies and tries to bribe Hatseller Boris to sell hat. Minks never see so much money; Tovarich, on grave of Stalin, all of Minsk never see so much money (Boris make good pun).

Comrade Ignatz see chance for big score: take American monies from American spy, give some to Hatseller Boris. Comrade Ignatz invest in vodka futures, Hatseller Boris buy 250,000 matches on Ukraine Match Exchange. Is mutually assured destruction. No one dare tell. Comrade Ignatz hustle American spy out of market before further damage done.

American spy put on hat. Now, Boris no fashion critic; Dnepropretrovsk is to Milan what military music is to music. But Boris rarely see anything look sillier than American spy in Ukrainian hat. American spy go off to buy food for old people; they too polite to laugh at him.

Comrade Ignatz not able to figure out angle of American spy. He try to find truth in Vodka, and finds killer hangover instead. He figure American spy pull what Fleming Ian call triple reverse butterfly in famous spy novels, even though Comrade Ignatz have no idea what mean.

Boris go to America, and have to go to work keeping head of American warm. American spy turns out to be more duplicitous than spy. He is car dealer.

Is hard work for Boris in brutal winter of Boston, but Boris learn hard work not bad. Boris even wind up on hood of Bentley. As Ribakoff Charles often say, ‘Is this a cool world or what?’

Boris obviously go through political reeducation, and now make conclusion. Even in age of Yobama, is no longer sin to remain rich. Is more like miracle.

I been gone a long time.